Dex Does Dahmerland
by FreakTard
Summary: Dexter has a dream . . .


DEX DOES DAHMERLAND

INT. MIAMI METRO BRIEFING ROOM, DAY.

DEXTER, DEB, MASUKA, QUINN, ANGEL and the rest of the Homicide crew are listening to LAGUERTA run down the day's cases.

LAGUERTA

Okay, we've got a gang-related drive-by in Liberty City . . .

DEXTER V.O.

Bo-ring!

LAGUERTA

. . . we've also got a robbery/homicide in Coral Gables . . .

DEXTER V.O.

Lame.

LAGUERTA

. . . a strangled prostitute on Calle Ocho, possibly the work of a serial killer . . .

DEXTER V.O.

Pffft. Cliché, much?

LAGUERTA

. . . and a shooting at a strip club, also on Calle Ocho . . .

DEXTER V.O. :

Pathetic.

QUINN

Dibs on the strip club!

MASUKA

Me too!

DEB

No way, you retards! Cross-eyed Jesus with the clap, I'm not gonna stand around all day watching you guys perving all over the fucking strippers!

MASUKA

Well, who pissed in your Cheerios this morning, Detective Buzzkill?

As the detectives begin to bicker, Dexter slumps in his chair, overcome with ennui.

DEXTER V.O.

It's the same fucking thing over and over and over. Doesn't anyone take pride in their work anymore? Shooting people? Strangling hookers? Seriously? Whatever happened to artistic integrity, taking chances? What about a nice chainsaw or a blowtorch once in a while, just to break the monotony? Murderers used to be so much more creative . . . now it's just a bunch of no-talent hacks rehashing the same tired clichés . . . Just for once, I'd like to meet a killer on my own level. Without them going all psycho and murdering my family members, I mean. Jesus, I'm soooooo bored . . .

Dexter's eyes roll back in his head and he nods off in his chair. He opens his eyes and finds himself in front of a swanky nightclub. A huge red neon sign spells out "DAHMERLAND" in fancy script.

DEXTER

It's real! Dahmerland is real!

Dexter presses his nose to a window and looks into the club. There is a wild party going on. All the guests are famous murderers, both real-life and fictional. Dex is wide-eyed with amazement.

DEXTER V.O.

Wow, this is incredible. Omigod, there's Richard Speck! And Norman Bates! And Hannibal Lecter! And isn't that . . . no way! Ed Gein! And Jack the Ripper! This is the best party ever!

Harry appears at Dexter's elbow.

HARRY

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

DEXTER

What are you talking about? These are my people! (getting pissed) I finally find a place where I belong, where I can be accepted for who I really am, and here you are trying to ruin it for me. Jesus, Dad, why do you always have to be such a buzzkill?

HARRY

Don't say I didn't warn you.

DEXTER

Fuck off, Harry.

Dexter stomps off toward the entrance.

HARRY

They're all going to laugh at you!

Dexter approaches the door, only to have his path blocked by an enormous bouncer wearing a mask of human skin and carrying a chainsaw and a clipboard. He is backed up by an even more enormous bouncer, wearing a hockey mask and also wielding a chainsaw.

BOUNCER #1

Name?

DEXTER

Hey, you're that guy! From that chainsaw movie! Wow, I must have watched that a hundred times back in high school . . .

The bouncer, who is indeed Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, sighs heavily and cuts Dexter off.

LEATHERFACE

Sorry, pal. Private party. Invited guests only. And you are . . . ?

DEXTER

Um, Dexter Morgan?

Leatherface scans his clipboard.

LEATHERFACE

Sorry, I don't see your name here.

DEXTER

But . . . but . . . I'm the Bay Harbor Butcher! I've killed over seventy people! You've got to let me in!

BOUNCER #2

(sneering)

Bay Harbor who? Never heard of you.

DEXTER

Hey, aren't you Jason Voorhees? Well, your movies suck!

Leatherface and Jason begin to advance menacingly. Just then someone speaks up from behind Dexter.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

It's okay boys, he's with me.

Dexter turns and sees a dumpy middle-aged man in a clown suit. The man sticks out his hand.

DUMPY MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN A CLOWN SUIT

John Wayne Gacy. Pleased to meet you.

DEXTER

(shaking Gacy's hand)

Dexter Morgan.

Dexter and Gacy stroll past the bouncers and into the club. Jason and Leatherface rev their chainsaws and make catty comments.

JASON

Isn't he a little old for you, you creepy old chickenhawk?

LEATHERFACE

Nice Dockers, Butcher Boy!

Dexter looks back at them, disturbed, and sees Harry standing behind them, shrugging his shoulders and mouthing "I told you so." Dexter scowls and keeps walking.

GACY

So, Dexter Morgan, can I buy you a drink?

DEXTER V.O.

Wait, isn't this the guy who was into raping and murdering teenage boys and burying them in his crawlspace? Ugh, no thanks.

DEXTER

Uh, thanks, but actually I was wondering where the men's room is.

GACY

It's right over there. I'll go with you . . .

DEXTER

No! I mean, that's okay, I can find it.

Dexter hurries away from Gacy.

DEXTER

Ugh, what a creep.

Dexter sees Ted Bundy walking by with a Manson girl on each arm. He is elated.

DEXTER

Excuse me, Mr. Bundy, but I just wanted to say that I really admire your work, and . . .

Bundy rolls his eyes.

TED BUNDY

God, they let just anyone in here these days.

The Manson girls giggle. Dexter is crushed. As he watches the trio walk away, he hears a voice at his side.

BUFFALO BILL

Don't mind him, he just thinks he's hot shit because he's real. Fuckin' snob.

Dexter turns and sees Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs.

DEXTER

Huh? What are you talking about?

Before Bill can answer, he's interrupted by Jeffrey Dahmer.

DAHMER

Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?

DEXTER

Hi, I'm Dexter. Great place you've got here.

Dahmer looks Dexter up and down.

DAHMER

You look good enough to eat.

Dexter looks alarmed. 

DAHMER

Oh, don't worry, I'm on a vegans diet.

DEXTER

You mean vegan diet?

DAHMER

No, I mean I only eat vegans. My doctor says I have to watch my cholesterol. You're not a vegan, are you?

DEXTER

Uh, no?

Dexter looks past Dahmer and is horrified to see ARTHUR MITCHELL approaching.

ARTHUR

Hello, Dexter Morgan.

DEXTER V.O.

That never gets old, does it?

DEXTER

(nervously)

Arthur! What a surprise . . . um . . . I didn't expect to see you here.

ARTHUR

No? Well, I didn't expect to see you here, either. Do your new friends know about your little hobby? (raises his voice) Dexter here specializes in killing serial killers!

The room goes silent as all eyes turn toward Dexter.

DEXTER V.O.

Well, this is awkward.

A strange figure approaches the group, wearing a fedora, a striped sweater and gloves with long knives attached.

DAHMER

(awkwardly trying to keep the party going)

Freddy! Glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to my new friend, Dexter Morgan. Dexter, this is Freddy Krueger.

FREDDY

I know who you are.

DEXTER

(flattered)

Really? You've heard of me?

FREDDY

Yeah, from my niece. Zoey.

DEXTER

(trying to remember)

Zoey . . . . oh yeah! Zoey Krueger! What _was_ her deal with rape, anyway?

FREDDY

Awwwww . . . that just meant she liked you. And then you went and killed her. So now I'm gonna return the favor.

Freddy raises his knives and charges at Dexter.

DEXTER

FUCK!

Freddy chases Dexter through the party, finally cornering him in the, well, corner. The party guests laugh and jeer as Krueger advances on the terrified Dexter.

PATRICK BATEMAN

Hey Morgan, why don't you use your little needle on him?

BUFFALO BILL

Hey Freddy, don't forget to save me the skin!

JEFFREY DAHMER

Dibs on the white meat!

HANNIBAL LECTER

I get the liver!

MICHAEL MYERS

Ooh, watch out, Freddy, he's got Saran Wrap! Bwahahahaaaaaa!

The crowd begins to chant "Kill! Kill! Kill!" as they close in on Dexter. Freddy raises his knives and moves in for the kill . . .

DEXTER

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dexter opens his eyes and finds himself back in the squad room. Everyone is staring at him.

DEB

Jesus, bro, you don't have to be such a big baby about it. Okay, fine, you don't have to work the strip club shooting. I'll fucking take Masuka.

MASUKA

Sweet! Thanks, dude!

Masuka slaps Dexter on the back and bounds out the door, high-fiving Quinn on the way out.

DEB:

I hope you're happy. Now I have to spend all day watching those idiots hitting on strippers. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? You look a little pale.

DEXTER

Oh, nothing. I just had a bad dream . . . um, last night, I mean.

DEB

What, the one about Boy George again?

DEXTER

How do you know about that?

DEB

You talk in your sleep. Which reminds me . . . who the hell is Biney?

DEXTER

I have no idea what you're talking about . . . (changing the subject) . . . Deb, did you ever want to belong to a group really badly, then when you finally get in with them everything goes horribly wrong? 

DEB

You mean like the time you joined P.E.T.A. because you thought it stood for People Eating Tasty Animals?

DEXTER

Uhhhh . . . something like that. Never mind. Is it lunchtime yet?

DEB

What the fuck is wrong with you? It's ten in the fucking morning. Now let's get to work. 

DEXTER

(sighing)

oh, alright.

As Dexter and Deb walk to the elevators, Dexter notices a Freddy Krueger bobblehead on Quinn's desk. He takes a quick look around to see if anyone is watching, then knocks it over and stomps on it and kicks it under the desk. 

THE END


End file.
